Thinking back I remember more than I want to at this moment. Nothing compares to the first time the i adore you’s were said and the upgraded love. I knew I was far from perfect then and I should have said something. I should have divulged more and for that I feel like an idiot. I tried to hide so much of myself from you as did you. I appreciated you more than I do now. I know everything is wrong. But, to be honest I have lost faith, in life. I have never been so low but so high and I don’t know how to balance them. I have lost sight to what should be important in my life and nothing seems clear anymore. I guess that’s why I haze myself with every drug I can and drink as often as I do. Nothing seems right anymore, except us. I know we as one are the right thing but I don’t know how to balance us with me.

I should have told you everything from the start. Should have said the things I’m saying now so much longer ago. I was so wrapped up in the idea of us I forgot I was shutting you out. I forgot how fucked up i was because this relationship made me forget. Forget the negativity. Forget how much of an insane person I was. Made me want so much more for myself. I, somehow lost sight of all of that. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I didn’t mean. I’ve thought about giving up on everything, but somehow, I keep going. My will is stronger, and maybe it’s because of me, maybe it’s because of you but I’m glad it is.

You reminded me so much of my father in the beginning. I guess because of that I’m expecting you to give up on me just like he did because … well just because. I’m setting myself up I know but my heart is on my sleeve. It’s been there since the first. First fuck, first kiss, first romance and it’s scaring me that it’s that way. I’m emotional. I’m a trainwreck. I’m only human though. I can only be what I know how to be, and at times all I know how to be is a cunt. I swear it’s nothing personal. I swear it’s not an attempt to make you leave. It’s me emotionally nude with nothing to cover me up but anger. I’m vulnerable and dependent now. Do I need to change that?

I know I need to change my life. I know I need to make myself better before anything else can. However, I can’t do that alone. I need love. I need to know that I’m not standing here alone emotional and open. I need to feel that oneness again. I know if i could I could be better. I need to be able to close my eyes and see a vivid future with you as I have before. I still see that future but it’s so cloudy and I begin to second guess because all I want to do is SEE. See something bright. See something like the header of this blog. See something that even if it doesn’t make sense it’s still something beautiful and whole and amazing.

If there was never anything in my life that I wasn’t sure about is me. Not you, not us. That’s the only thing I’m sure about these days. The only thing I have is to wake up in the morning and knowing that you’re still there. My mind often wonders is that enough though? Is it enough for me to know that things will be whole again. Will things be even better than they used to be. Will I wake up every morning and have everything I ever wanted one day? I know that no one knows what the future holds but I need a piece of it. I need a piece of knowledge to console me. i know you do too, I just want to find it together before the day comes and we have nothing left.

I’ve been willing to risk it all before, and I’m still willing. I just need a little piece of peace to know that I can continue.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
-St. Augustine