life is like an hourglass
when everything hits rock bottom
all you have to do is wait
for something to come along
and turn it around

So, I was gonna make this entry password protected then i figured what would be the point because I should share my feelings. So let’s begin shall we?

Yesterday, I was ditched at a party. Half an hour driving distance from my dwelling. I knew none of these people, at this party so I walked home after waiting for over twelve hours for the person who brought me to return. Needless to say, they never did. I proceeded to walk home, and by the time I got home I no longer had a heart. I no longer had a soul. I also waited a total of three hours to get in my place of residence at the moment. By that time I felt inhumane. I know probably no one has ever felt this way before, but I felt like a stray puppy waiting for someone to take me in. I haven’t spoken to anyone in about 8 hours. It feels like my tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth because when I try to speak I feel as if i have to pry my mouth apart until I decide that the speaking just isn’t worth it.

If you follow me on Tumblr then you may have read my blog about caretakers and dependence. I no longer feel the need to depend on others anymore. My weakness has been taken to throw cheap shots at my ego, my intelligence, and my life. It should not get to me the way that it does but I somehow manage to let it. I often wonder if there was ever a time that I was 100% complete and happy with my life. I had to think hard and that worried me. The people who were put on this earth to care for me and surround me have been the most disrespectful people I know. So I prayed. I asked God if there was something, a skeleton in my closet that makes it all worth the downs in my life. I have come up with nothing. Then, I began to wonder if maybe this was a test of some sort that I needed to go through to learn a life lesson, if so, I think I have learned it. My mind goes through about 40-50 thoughts per minutes on an average day, those thoughts have increased dramatically over time and I feel as if my brain will explode.

With all of these thoughts I propose many questions to you, the reader. When is the time for you to decide that a relationship isn’t worth having anymore? Is it when the guy kicks you when you’re down? Is it the part where he never attempts to help you up, you have to ask for his help? Is it when you reach for his hand and he hesitates? Is it when you dust yourself off and try to keep it moving and he never realizes that the initial kick was totally unwarranted?

life is too short, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
laugh when you can – apologize when you should
and let go of what you can’t change. love deeply and forgive quickly
take chances – give everything – have no regreats
life is too short to be unhappy you have to take the good with the bad
smile when you’re sad – love what you got
and always remember what you had always forgive but never forget
learn from your mistakes but never regret people change & things go wrong
but always remember life goes on.

I should have told you everything from the start. Should have said the things I’m saying now so much longer ago. I was so wrapped up in the idea of us I forgot I was shutting you out. I forgot how fucked up i was because this relationship made me forget. Forget the negativity. Forget how much of an insane person I was. Made me want so much more for myself. I, somehow lost sight of all of that. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I didn’t mean. I’ve thought about giving up on everything, but somehow, I keep going. My will is stronger, and maybe it’s because of me, maybe it’s because of you but I’m glad it is.

You reminded me so much of my father in the beginning. I guess because of that I’m expecting you to give up on me just like he did because … well just because. I’m setting myself up I know but my heart is on my sleeve. It’s been there since the first. First fuck, first kiss, first romance and it’s scaring me that it’s that way. I’m emotional. I’m a trainwreck. I’m only human though. I can only be what I know how to be, and at times all I know how to be is a cunt. I swear it’s nothing personal. I swear it’s not an attempt to make you leave. It’s me emotionally nude with nothing to cover me up but anger. I’m vulnerable and dependent now. Do I need to change that?

I know I need to change my life. I know I need to make myself better before anything else can. However, I can’t do that alone. I need love. I need to know that I’m not standing here alone emotional and open. I need to feel that oneness again. I know if i could I could be better. I need to be able to close my eyes and see a vivid future with you as I have before. I still see that future but it’s so cloudy and I begin to second guess because all I want to do is SEE. See something bright. See something like the header of this blog. See something that even if it doesn’t make sense it’s still something beautiful and whole and amazing.

If there was never anything in my life that I wasn’t sure about is me. Not you, not us. That’s the only thing I’m sure about these days. The only thing I have is to wake up in the morning and knowing that you’re still there. My mind often wonders is that enough though? Is it enough for me to know that things will be whole again. Will things be even better than they used to be. Will I wake up every morning and have everything I ever wanted one day? I know that no one knows what the future holds but I need a piece of it. I need a piece of knowledge to console me. i know you do too, I just want to find it together before the day comes and we have nothing left.

I’ve been willing to risk it all before, and I’m still willing. I just need a little piece of peace to know that I can continue.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
-St. Augustine